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Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
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7:49 pm - I'm back!
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Hey everyone...sorry I have been gone so long. My family moved again but now I'm back at boarding school with my ever loving computer. I have to retake this last semester over because of rehab but I'm out...fat again and of course sooo unhappy. I have missed you guys so much...I can't wait to get back into the swing of things. Skin and bones fasting time again, and definitely no more rehab because I refused and now I'm 18 so screw that!! How has everyone been?
current mood:  jump on it
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
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5:29 am - Sorry I haven't been there for all of you...
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Where to begin...my boyfriend made me get help...long story short...I gained 20lbs in the last month and a half. FUCK HIM...(tears) all the them for that matter. I am nothing unless I am nothing!!!!!!! Does that make any sense to anyone goddammit. I have 2 weeks away, 2 weeks to lose 20lbs. I will do anything, fasting, restricting ANYTHING. You guys name it, but please i am begging (and if you saw me right now you would know i am dead serious) Give me a gym routine, restriction plan, I don't care, pills, cigs, anything. I started cutting again...I just can't handle this, I can't handle anything.
Please if you are my friends you will help me, help me to be the person I was.
xox LK
current mood:  save me.
current music: "4am" our lady peace
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
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3:39 pm
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Wanting to disappear.
current mood:  blank
current music: rocks tonic juice magic
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(comment on this)
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4:00 am - gross...
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So I did really great until this evening when my flatmate decided to order me my favorite pizza to cheer me up...I can't resist Vegan pizza from this little place uptown. I broke, and I mean serious binge...then i purged...twice. I hate myself for getting to the point I had to do that. And even though nothing is in me I still don't feel as empty as I want to. I talked to my boyfriend today...I haven't seen him in a month and I won't see him for another month at the end of term.
He told me that he couldn't wait to wrap his hands around my little waist...yeha it's not so little anymore...and that just made me feel sick.
I want to be perfect so bad that it hurts, physically hurts. I get stomach aches thinking about it and never sleep anymore. I'm gonna go to the gym as soon as it opens tomorrow morning at 6am. My flatmate's family is taking her to the lakes for vacation and she'll be gone 3 days! finally no one to watch me and make me eat.
Restriction and 2 gym sessions a day start tomorrow. I can do this.
current mood:  pathetic
current music: kiss the rain
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 8th, 2005
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9:41 pm - I MADE IT!
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Today I was accepted to King's College! ahhhh I couldn't be more touched right now! I was such a complete mess at my audition and had the shakes so bad! I thought my voice was shivering the entire time! I sang "you go to my head" one of my favorites. haha I need to go and celebrate with my mates!! xoxox LK
current mood:  ecstatic
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, May 7th, 2005
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8:21 pm - my body sucks
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Ok so for the past month I haven't gone over 500 calories a day and I go to the gym...but all i've lost it 4 lbs....4 FUCKING POUNDS. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, weight used to just fall off me.
So i've gone to another approach...diet pills. I seriously hate them but I feel as if I have no choice.
I am taking 2 thermo dynamX pills and one super fat mobilizer pill every 6 hours and not eating anything. If this doesn't fuckin work i am performing liposucion on myself! ahh just kidding...kinda. It's so hard to keep motivated. I've taken to sleeping from 8pm to 11am just so it's more time i'm not awake eating and then i take a nap for 2-4 hours every afternoon. I should be a goddamn stick figure by now.
My legs are so gross, i need a new workout for them...any ideas?? i'll do anything at this point. ugh.
current mood:  annoyed
current music: jolene
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| Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
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4:37 am - fasting fasting fasting
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why is it that whenever i start a fast i do awesome then my roommate fucks it up..."i'm hungry lily i wanna eat" well you know what DO IT BY YOURSELF ugh!! She is so dependent sometimes. So i ate some veggies and an apple to shut her up...and that absolutely KILLED ME. I hate eating during a fast I feel this horrible sense of guilt. And it makes me hungry, like really hungry for the rest of the day. I just need to get out of this place...i haven't seen my family for 6 months and i miss my dogs soooo much. Boarding school BLOWS!! I will never reach my goal weight because i am so freakin depressed all the time. I have no energy to do my usual hour run, 300 crunches, 30 push-ups and lifting. I sleep away the day and never go to class...and i guess that's ok because atleast i'm not eating.
I feel like I have no one to turn to anymore...I hate reading journals where people are like "I've been ana for a week now" fuck off you don't know what ana is!! ONE WEEK!? please!! it has consumed me...she is the only one that understands anything. My drive to be perfect my feelings of worthlessness...i have worth and control i just can't eat...because when i do that's it i'm worthless and fat again, no one will love me and i will never be able to accomplish anything. This has turned into a crazy rant so i'm ending it here...no one reads this anyways.
current mood: depressed
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 24th, 2005
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6:31 am
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I tried not to do it, but that rush...god it's like for that bloody second I am free. Then it ends and becomes just another scar. I wish I could make that feeling stay...then I wouldn't always feel like I'm drowning.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
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5:18 am - good, better, best never let it rest, until your good is better and your better is your best...
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The subject is something a soccer coach of mine used to drill into us in practice. But he also called me marshmello so fuck him new subject...
I don't know why I eat when I do...I guess because I'm always too tired to leave the house unless I have to. But going to the gym is such a struggle, I'm always so exausted when I get out and I sleep seriously over 12 hours a night...hell maybe I am getting too much sleep.
I'm in a weird mood tonight, I'm sick of being so far from home. I can't go home for 2 more months and the longer I'm here the more depressed I feel myself getting. I'm starting to have panic attacks again and my meds definitely aren't helping shit. ha I really never swear this much I don't know what's gotten into me lately.
I feel like my mind is just all over the place...I can't seem to concentrate on anything and there is no reliable source for aderol in the country eerrrrr. I seriously live and breathe by that drug at home and xanex to sleep. It was my constant. I was invincible before my breakdown.
I would go to bed at 1am and wake up at 4:30am to do more work and study. I was taking 5 classes, working 3 jobs, and running two on campus organizations. I was always put together and had a smile on my face. I spent every spare second hiding in the library so I wouldn't have to be at my apartment and eat. I was running on coffee, aderol, and water. And I loved it.
Then I broke, two of my friends were killed and I just crashed...everything got worse. I slept all day, never went to class, quit my jobs, never ate, and went to the gym for 3 hours a night. I had no morals, I didn't care about anything or anyone. Then I met Derek and probably started a few of the biggest series of mistakes I could make. Well there you go, a little confession out of madness. This is rare...so take it to heart.
current mood: blank
current music: jimmy eat world "goodbye sky harbor"
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| Thursday, April 21st, 2005
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3:20 am - Free of myself
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Those who judge, who think of themselves as someone higher for not understanding...for not suffering...consider yourself lucky. You don't look in the mirror everyday and hate what you see, you don't throw away your favorite foods and lie to your friends...or maybe you do.
Before ana I couldn't understand how anyone could ever have an eating disorder, and before I knew it I was consumed by one. You have control in your life, you have happiness, you have the ability to feel free...we don't. It is not a switch you can turn on and off it's an addiction. We can try and get help, but how many doctors does it take to put together the pieces torn apart by living a life you didn't choose? How many doctors, how many calories, how many days, weeks, months, years does it take to fix a person who is broken?
Before you judge, answer that...but you can't answer that can you.
current mood:  angry
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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1:10 am - Photobucket
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| Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
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4:49 am - Worthless...
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So I was on day 3 of my fast...and what do ya know it's 420! My friends basically blew smoke in my face all day and eventually i gave in and got the craziest munchies ever..:(...i ate like 4 pieces of pizza and a piece of pie! After for 3 days all i've had is lemon water and broth and worked out till my legs gave way!!! IT'S NOT WORTH IT...I can't puke it up, and the gym is closed so here I am...bloated, fat, and worthless. I worked so hard today and ignored every temptations, I was basically on here all day getting support and thinspiration to keep me going. Day 3 is always so hard! I seriously hate myself I'm not eating tomorrow, in fact I'm never eating again.
xoxo signed,
Worthless
current mood:  nauseated
current music: Katy Rose "lemon"
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 17th, 2005
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4:19 am - errrr from perfect...to perfectly horrible
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So my boyfriend stayed in my flat for the last week and it was amazing to have him around. I never get to see him because I'm living in NZ and he's still in the UK. While he was here though it was like a trigger to stop eating clicked again. I have been so off the wagon lately and feeling horrible about myself. Everything was great...then my roomie broke her leg and he had to go back. Now I'm lonely and depressed and basically all around hopeless. I hate my body, I didn't realize how fat I'd gotten lately till a friend brought over pictures from a party the other night. Starting in the morning I'm going on a raw veggie restiction...nothing that's cooked! I know I can do it, it's just that sometimes I really lose hope and forget how great it feels not to eat...
current mood: stressed
current music: lucy at the gym
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
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7:58 pm - new me
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I have till June 18th to get down to a weight that is suitable for being away from 5 months. I have 35lbs to lose and it seems impossible because I already eat nothing. ugh gotta keep going.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: fiona apple- paper bag
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(11 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, March 18th, 2005
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9:01 pm - hello again
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Well I've been struggling a lot lately just become of this new environment and what not. But it's nice to have a support group available that is going through the same things I am. My coffee addiction is stronger than ever haha I'm drinking like 3-5 venti's from starbucks a day...i swear that place stays open from my bank account. I really need to cut it out. I have to work tonight at 9pm until 5am at the bar...ugh sooooo long and so much work. I'll probably sleep half the day away tomorrow and I have 3 papers to write before spring break. Better get to it!! xoxox LK
current mood:  bouncy
current music: sweet child of mine
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
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4:02 pm - sweet as NZ
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I'm in New Zealand travelling around and going to school. I love it here and everyone I've met so far is really cool. I never thought I would actually get to live out my dreams and have a real life adventure. It really pretty sweet.
current mood:  chillin
current music: switchfoot
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12:51 am - Living through a journal
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It's weird that none of my friends know that I have this account. I guess I just like being myself...and I guess here I can be that. I realized recently that the massively fucked life i thought i had is pretty normal in comparison to everyone on here. I swear sometimes I live in Stepford. It's hard being expected to be perfect 100% of the time...and to be honest for awhile there I thought I was. But then that ticking comes from inside...that constant clock ticking away the seconds and then i finally thought to myself "what the hell am I doing". I was living everyone elses dreams and I had lost touch with mine all together. I didn't know who i was anymore and i snapped. By snapped I mean developed severe panic disorder. I would sit in my apartment holding my heart thinking i was dying until my roommate finally took me to see a doctor. It's funny how they just put your life under another title and find a pretty colored pill to take away all sense of reality. Now I'm numb from all those things that ate away at me...actually I'm just numb. I feel like I can't feel anything. I used to cry at the movies, weddings, hell even infomericals sometimes. But now nothing, I never cry. I'm not sympathetic anymore or caring. Infact I don't care about anything. Indifference is probably the worst thing to be...because you don't even care enough to care. If that makes any sense. Ok this is getting long, but it needed to come out.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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